In a previous post I mentioned how some Estonians have informed me of their tendency to "complain," and that there is a joke that to be Estonian is to suffer. This always puzzled me because when I think of complaining, I think of someone actively and emotionally expressing their discontentment with something, in implicit contrast with expectations of how it should be, and usually in a self-centered manner. "Mannn I got a flat tire today while it was pouring rain and then my boss yelled at me for being late and to top it all off, I missed out on the free donuts!" I would be surprised to ever hear such a thing from an Estonian. Recent conversations have been more clarifying - "complaining" is not a good translation, at least regarding my own associations with the word. Someone suggested "nagging" but was not 100% satisfied with that either. It's definitely not self-centered, and it's also not necessarily discontentment - i.e. maybe there are no presumptions that things should be better. On the contrary, it seems more like passive commentary reflecting how they see life in general, and this commentary is a form of acceptance of the negative aspects. I remember telling one of the first Estonian guys I met (at a party after a few drinks of course), that he was poking me with words.
One example given was if someone were to say, "That's a nice sweater" to an Estonian, the latter would be inclined to criticize some aspect of the sweater (or complimenter) in response. An official travel website warned not to compliment them too much, because it makes them uncomfortable and suspicious. So also do words like "great," "amazing," "very" etc. These words are rarely used, because they see reality as rarely having such extreme qualities, and more importantly they take things literally. Estonians seem to err on the side of understatements, and "a bit" is a phrase I hear often (such as 'He vomited blood and then passed out from the fever, so he's a bit sick' -just kidding I am exaggerating there). If someone overstates or gives too many compliments, s/he starts sounding hypocritical in this context. I've also heard stories of some Estonians' travels to different countries like the U.S. or Italy, where they get tired of it after awhile because they don't understand why people they have just met would be so forward and friendly. When I try to tone myself down to be considerate, I often don't know how to express myself differently, and resort to an awkward silence (which happens to be more acceptable/common here than back home!). It surprises me sometimes how understanding something and practicing something move at different speeds. A similar case happened with biking laws - I bought a bike and was informed that cars have the right of way at crosswalks unless I am walking alongside the bike. I knew it in my head, but I still flew through two consecutive crosswalks out of habit. An old man even pulled over to get out of his van and yell at me in Russian.
Interpersonal interaction with Estonians was strange and uncomfortable at first, and felt much more different than that with countless other international students. It tends to unfold in negative terms, from the general to the more specific, away from closure, and is less frequently in mutual agreement. Body language/facial expression seems to be less corresponding or mirroring as well, but maybe this just seems so to me because I have a hard time reading theirs. Using negative terms doesn't necessarily mean that they feel negatively, though - in my experience it's often done in a mildly humorous way, if not cheerful. A funny example happened in the closing remarks of a getaway-like summer school, which was more like a retreat or camp than it was school. A foreign professor began expressing his gratitude for the whole event - the beautiful natural setting, the congenial and unpretentious crowd, the ideas presented and unique activities (like the smoke sauna!) we engaged in. He started thanking individuals associated with the organization. Someone else added the bus driver. Then an Estonian professor stated, "But not the cook," and everyone laughed. I think this "complaining" is connected to their value of modesty - they tend to describe reality in relatively modest terms.
